What I know now

I do not and probably will never see myself as the girl with paralyzing anxiety and depression, nor the hundred other diagnoses I have been served (read: exaggeration). I am certain of, after so many years, that all my problems have been undertaken to survive my feelings growing up. Suppressed feelings, grief, anger and fear will eventually put your body in alert because something is wrong, and will eventually throw different signals and reactions at you. These signals are hard to read, and how could you know that your brain and body is trying to tell you something?
As the sensitive person I am, there has always been certain feelings and symptoms following me. But being a young ignorant trying to fit in everywhere, it was impossible to understand why I had these feelings and reactions. I reached out, lived outside of my body trying to be the person that was expected of me and never really listened to what my mind and body was telling me.
At the age of 8, my parents divorced –  and the result was my first panic attack. The one thing I begged my mother and father not to do, was now a fact, and the world as I knew it was soon to be over. From there on, things are blurry. After all these years I am aware that this was a traumatic event and that the reactions I had, were completely normal. But I knew nothing of that then, and my anxiety and fears grew and took over my life at that young age. My father handled the divorce so wrong… and it went out on me and my sister. My grounds became so neglected and unsafe, that I ended up not wanting to spend time with him. But I had to, they had shared custody. So I guess this is where I started to neglect my own needs and what I really wanted. It became a tug of war between what was expected, and what I wanted and was in need of.
Internal strife is awful, and it can give the same reactions as various of diagnosis, and I eventually became an hypochondriac. All of the suppressed feelings that gathered inside, became an overload and appeared in several bodily reactions.
If I only knew then what I know now, that it was feelings and reactions to a traumatic event, the anxiety would probably not be as overwhelmingly. Of course there is more to it than just the divorce, but I have spent so many years wondering why I am who I am. I know now that I suppressed who I am after my parents split, I have never tried to be me. I always tried to be someone else, a better, prettier and more exciting version of me.
Recognizing where things went downhill is an important link in finding yourself. Still being a young woman, I have already been decreasing and distancing myself from me in almost 20 years.  I don’t know what makes me happy, what I like to do, I don’t know if I like to spend time with friends anymore and actually I don’t know who are my friends… if I really have any.

Viewed from the outside I can be seen as a successful young woman, with lots of drive and commitment, spreading joy and smiles, sharing her bubbly being. No one can see that I am sick and are full of overwhelming, suppressed emotions. I have various of techniques to hide it, because it is necessary to blend in. Unfortunately this mask have given me and others the illusion of  me being someone else.

Something has changed within me, after recognizing and being more acceptive over the anxiety. I can see so much more, I learn new things every day and I can see things as they were in a whole new light. This is both amazing and frightening, as all thats differs from what I see as normal , frightens me. This need of control in my life has been overtaking and exhausting, at the same time it has been so important so that everything would stay the same. Every change has been overwhelming, and the feelings and reactions I’ve had, have been scary. Now they are welcome, because now I know more and are aware of that anxiety and depression are signals that something needs to change in your life.


Finally I convinced myself to put together a blog! This is something I´ve been thinking about for years, but my ambivalence usually takes over and makes decisions like these difficult.

There is something about blogging and sharing that appeals to me, as the chatterbox I am, that never gets enough attention. I am open and try to be as honest as I possible. Recently I have realized I haven´t been honest – not to people around me nor myself.

My journey in this life started almost 27 years ago, and with this blog I want to share and explore what comes to mind, my thoughts, my believes and what I have and have not learned through this time.Some of the post might be without any solid clues and a lot of scrawling, but I think I need this to find my place, and stop being in an out of life. 

I know I have had my share of searching in panic through the world wide web to find clues, guidelines and help trying to live my life. In general I think this only distanced me even more from myself, and made it harder to find out where I stand or want to be. After almost three decades I have realized that the only way to make this a life worth while for me – is to find my own way – even how cliché it may sound. I need to be selfish in the right ways for once. With the pressure of being the better-best in all categories of being human today, I sure have fallen for a lot of temptations. I´ve made a lot of mistakes, both by choice and unconsciously. And I know there are a lot of other people struggling or just trying to deal with the same thought and issues as me.

I have united me with that I will not find a blog or a webpage that tells me exactly what I need at various times, but maybe I can put this blog out there and that it will help me sort out what and who I am. I also hope that it can be a place for others in desperation, in search of how to live their life – with a colorful mind.

I know now that it all comes from within. And that only I can change things and how I see and deal with life in general.

To see the change, you have to bee the change.

THIS IS NOT A PITY SHOW by the way. Im not writing here to get compassion or make people feel sorry for me. People are struggling in the world, in so many ways we could never imagine. But the taboo that surrounds colorful minds all over has to be cracked open. I use the term colorful mind, as there are so many different ways to use your mind, at the same time as we all relate to mental disorders differently.

To sum it up, this blog is mainly for me and others who can find it rewarding and helpful. Sometimes there can be help in knowing that you are not the only person with thoughts and struggles. I guess I will post stuff about me, the things that takes up my time, fears, struggles, but mostly my journey back to life. Actually, not back to life – I don´t feel like going backwards anymore..

…this is me creating my future.